Lessons For the Young from Today’s Elderly

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“When you’re on your death bed, you won’t regret not getting that last promotion or not spending more time at work. You won’t be sorry you didn’t make more money or made the wrong career move. You’ll regret not blowing your nose more while you had the chance. If I could change one thing, I would go back and spend more time with that sultry temptress we have dubbed ‘Kleenex.'”
Charles Witticker, 89
“I worry that I settled down too early. Travel the world while you’re young! Blow your nose in front of the Louvre! Clear your nostrils overlooking the Pyramids! Snot rocket into the Grand Canyon! Don’t let youth and tissues be wasted on you.”
Harriet Tyler-Pince, 84
“Don’t worry so much about what other people think. I wasted so much time fretting about what others thought of my decisions… As long as YOU are happy and blowing your nose 5-7 times a minute, that is all that matters.”
Bathilda Evans, 91
“You have been given the blessings of youthful agility and athleticism: use them! You won’t always be able to run for miles, jump on trampolines, or raise a soft Nose Blanket to your face and push out the Good Stuff. I know you think you appreciate the Face Canyons’ gifts now, but you won’t truly know how good you have it until it’s too late. Take advantage while you still can!”
Wallace Lectar, 88
—A. Kinnane

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