Resolved: That the International Court of Justice politely requests that the Golden and Glorious Land of Myanmar kindly stop exterminating ethnic minority groups. And if the military stopped taking sex slaves, that would just be the cherry on the sundae!
Firmly Decided: That the General Assembly’s allergies are acting up and all this methane in the air isn’t helping. Or maybe it’s the carbon dioxide? Either way, if we all sign the Kyoto Protocol and take two Sudafed, the problem should go away.
Suggested: That the World Food Programme take some of that spare corn off of your hands, Iowa, before you turn it into biofuel and burn it in SUVs and the G.A. starts sneezing again! Oh, and Somalia might starve – guess that’d be pretty bad, too.
Wished For: That maybe Israel and the Arab world could let some anger out with a manly fistfight – just Benjamin Netanyahu and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Because that’s how real countries solve their problems – not all this silent treatment, name-calling shit. Who says? The Security Council, that’s who says! You wanna go, Saudi Arabia? YOU WANNA GO?
Or, Better Yet…: What about an intense game of Scrabble to settle this problem once and for all – in Arabic, of course. That sounds fair, right, Israel? Right, Palestine?
Fingers Crossed: Switzerland would like to suggest that Russia, the U.S., the UK, France, China, India, Pakistan, Israel, and North Korea just send all their nuclear weapons to Bern for sorting and safe storage. Wouldn’t that just be a load off of everybody’s minds?
Come On, Guys, Please: Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon notes that most national borders are completely arbitrary, patriotism is the world’s most lethal secular force, and what we all really want is just peace and happiness and a nice warm hug! So let’s just all be friends and dissolve our borders! Don’t worry, if we have to make any hard decisions about the future of the world, we can ask our wise, benevolent Secretary-General, Ban Ki-moon.
—A. Gertler
