Breaking: Steve Jobs Steps Down

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Gerber collage of Steve Jobs for The Yale Record college humor magazine at Yalerecord.com

Late Wednesday, Steve Jobs announced that he was stepping down as Apple’s CEO. Why?

• Finally ran out of black mock turtlenecks

• Discovered a iPhone-shaped tumor behind his ear

• Realized the Potter boy has been destroying Horcruxes

• “CEO/Prophet” app finally through beta

• Ass-deep in AAPL puts

• Refused to wear a plastic case to protect himself from everyday bumps and falls

• Someone finally asked nicely

• Downloading self into a synthetically constructed iBody

• Finished Eat, Pray, Love, realized he had to put himself first

• What’s the point of building a giant money pit if you don’t have time to swim in it?

• Signed AA contract with Birmingham Barons

• Wants to die the way he lived: periodically leaving Apple

• HP hired him away for $2

• His AppleCare protection plan had expired.

—Staff (Chernicoff, Chiasson, Cohen-Wade, Gandert, Gerber, Harris, Newsham, Nicholson)

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