The Lost Quotations of Chairman Mao

by Michael Gerber

“Boys don’t make passes at girls who are fascist.” —From Nice Proletarian Girls Do, speech delivered 14 June, 1963.

“When you assume, you make an ass out or you, and of me. Not to mention the Party, and that’s a no-no.” —From The Next Thing I Say Will Be False, speech delivered 25 October, 1957.

“It is helpful to think of China as a big, big bus. At Shanghai, 17,234,000 people get on, and 23,617 get off. At Canton, 5,987,000 people get on, and 6 people get off. At Beijing, 4,887 people get on, and 2,456,000 get off. Now, who is the driver?…I’m the driver. Mao’s the driver.” —From Rules of the Road, speech delivered 5 May, 1950.

“Every neighborhood has one kid who likes to put fire-crackers up a cat’s butt. I was that kid.” —From “It’s Mao-tastic,” TV movie dramatizing the Chairman’s life, aired 30 November, 1973.

“Never freeze mayonnaise. You’ll get an oily mess.” —From Eat to Win, informal talk delivered at C[hinese] C[ommunist] P[arty) kegger, 23 March, 1961.

“I have only worn lipstick once in my life, and I was drunk.” —Overheard at a Shaanxi clambake, 20 July 1953.

“Look! If you push on a fish’s eye, its mouth opens! Hello Comrade Zhao! I am your dinner, I am going to bite your nose off! Heh, heh.” —Cutting up with Zhao Enlai. Party Congress Cookout, 1971.

“There’s a monster in my pants, and it does a little dance. Like so.” —From Mao’s censored appearance on “American Bandstand,” September 17,1957.

“There are two armies in China: one to fight, and one to do little chores. No! Don’t laugh! Have you ever seen an entire battalion clean an oven?” —Remarks before the Third Annual Beijing Rodeo/Tractor Pull, 2 October 1972.

“My bowels are acting up. Let’s have a purge.” —From An Evening With Mao, taped 11 June, 1966.

“We do not fear the imperialist running dogs and their minions. We do not fear their atomic and hydrogen bombs. If attacked, all of China shall stand upon a chair and, when given the signal, jump off simultaneously. This is the technology of the proletariat. And believe you me, it will KICK YOUR ASS.”
—From It is a Good Thing for an Enemy to Attack, Rather Than Sit There and Make Fun of You, pep talk delivered at CCP Bake Sale, 7 February 1971.