Mustard Miners of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your sausage links. For years we have dealt with unchecked working hours, bottom-of-the-barrel dogs, and unprotected nostrils. For years we have woken up daily and dug up mustard that we still can’t even afford with our own wages. For years our very humanity has been stripped from us, in service of rich men who couldn’t care less about us. We as men have become machines.

Today, we reassert our humanity. Today, we join together in solidarity to fight for a common cause. The question is not hamburgers or hotdogs. This is a false dichotomy presented to us by “centrist” media. A media deeply intertwined with the hot dog interests they are meant to critique. The question is whether this system works for people, all people. I talked to a man today whose face melted when covered in a hot geyser of mustard. Did he receive appropriate franks in compensation to care for his injuries? Did he receive time off? Did his family receive their mustard rations? No, no, and no. Society relies on our labor to coat their dogs in a beautiful, yellow, nose-tingling sauce, but they treat us like used mustard packages. Today, we demand higher wages, regulations for workplace safety, and an 80-hour work week. Not a single package of mustard will be extracted until our demands are met. Hot-dog speed to you all.

R. Shivakumar