There is currently no known cure for HIV, but I’m working really hard on it. This week, we’re back with the end of the World Chess Championship, which saw Ding Liren defeat Ian Nepomniatchi to become the first Chinese man in history to hold the title. World championship rules are stringent; they get 120 minutes for the first 40 moves, there are no early draws by agreement, and they are each allowed to introduce one rainbow mystery piece on a square of their choice. Tied for the 14 regulation rounds, they moved to the tiebreaker format, which involves shorter time controls and the ability to play to the death. “Modern classical chess is more about the psychological factor than anything,” said popular chess commentator Danya Naroditsky. “Ian just didn’t have the stamina.”
Speaking of playing to the death, President Biden formally announced his reelection bid for 2024 on Tuesday. He cited his impeccable track record with making the trains run on time and maintaining positive diplomatic relations with the Taliban. Critics of the Brandon Wagon continue to point to his age, which continues to steadily increase as we draw closer to the election. Meanwhile, tensions are rising across the aisle between DeSantis and Trump as both compete to win votes among humanities graduate students. Political coverage of campaign preparation has also been colored by the firing of Fox News star Tucker Carlson; when pressed for comment, he said “I called her a Cunk! As in, silly, like British comedian Philomena Cunk!”
Others are suffering from awkward misunderstandings originally caused by the British, as conflicts in Sudan between generals Abdel-Fattah Burhan and Mohamed Hamdan Dagalo have now continued for three weeks. The two were once allied in the 2019 revolution against dictator Omar Al-Bashir, but split over a girl. As the Sudanese healthcare system collapses and thousands flee the country, a spokesperson for the UN stated that “diplomats have made their best efforts to negotiate with both sides, but we’re operating on a ‘three strikes, you’re out’ kind of deal here.” When pressed for comment, US Secretary of State Antony Blinken was in favor of US intervention, but asked our reporters for a map with labels on it in order to more effectively chart a path to democracy in Sudan.
Also charting recently was a controversial AI-generated imitation of Drake and the WKND, taken down from streaming platforms on copyright grounds and prompting a debate about AI ethics in art. The song, “Heart on my sleeve,” reportedly made Drake feel “really uncomfortable.”
In other news of global proportions, India will soon surpass China as the largest country in the world by population. Prime Minister Modi has proudly attributed India’s high birth rate to lots of sex. In response, China has exploded one thousand voting machines. Experts have speculated on the economic ramifications of this shift, and have concluded that India will no longer be forced to be the world’s biggest exporter of beef; most Indians will finally be able to afford to eat their own cattle. Perhaps this will be the needed boost of confidence for India to sign the Artemis Accords, a multilateral framework on space exploration dominated by NASA and scorned by the CCP. Unfortunately, the moon has explained that it does not want Indians.
Here at Yale, we have just begun reading week, a period in which students juggle study breaks with hanging out with friends and sleeping. Thankfully, Spring Fling was canceled after it was revealed that Pusha T had written highly offensive lyrics about indigenous women in a song called “Navajo,” making the NACC feel heard and respected by the administration. The only other major piece of campus drama heading into May was an anonymous sexual assault allegation in the upper echelons of the Yale Debate Association. True to their mission, the team members debated the validity of the claims brought forth by the victim.
Listen, Dear Reader, that is all we have for you today. However, I am now chained to a desk and will not be freed until I write another one of these. Toodle-doo.
– J. Mansfield