Heaven is a place on earth and I will be going to the Yale Record Online instead. We’re back this week with the Super Bowl LVII, a fight for the ages between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Philadelphia Eagles. The winner? Mahomes’ physical therapist. Meanwhile, Rihanna has yet to deliver her baby or a high note at the halftime show. At least that’s what Twitter tells me. I was more concerned with the possibility of those platforms swinging back and forth into each other like one of little perpetual motion desk toys. Amid the usual zany commercials, fans also saw the concerted efforts of the multimillion-dollar “He Gets Us” campaign promoting Jesus Christ, a up-and-coming JV quarterback whose career was cut short by injuries before he could make it big.
As for the greatest Chief of them all, we watched Joe Biden’s “State of the Union” last week, which is an event where Joe Biden attempts to name a single state in the union. Joe Biden believes he can define the US in one word, “possibilities”, and I agree. It’s certainly possible for a train in Ohio not to derail because of loose safety regulations and kill most wildlife in a 1-mile radius through the explosive release of toxic vinyl chloride. It’s also certainly possible for the EPA not to hastily urge residents to return to their homes before the danger has been adequately assessed, or for police not to arrest reporters at the scene. Listen, I get that we’ve never really been chummy with East Palestine, but this seems a bit much. Or maybe not enough?
Speaking of longstanding religious differences, Pope Francis just finished his apostolic journey to the Democratic Republic of the Congo. A few hours after landing, the Popemobile broke down four miles from Kinshasa. Witnesses testified that Francis could be seen beating the ground with his fists, yelling “oh me, oh my!” until aides pulled him from the scene. Later, the Pope commented on conflict and famines in the eastern part of the country and expressed support for African economic independence: “Stop choking Africa: Africa is not a mine to be stripped or a terrain to be plundered.” No shit, Francis. Africa is a continent.
The DRC is not the only francophone country dealing with immature and lazy workers resorting to violence; hundreds of thousands continue to protest pension reforms in Paris. Air traffic controllers at Paris’ second-largest airport walked out en masse, slightly reducing the likelihood of successful flights, but greatly increasing the fun chance of airplane pinball. President Macron– the eternal moderate– is stuck between conservatives, who want to keep the retirement age the same, and radical communists, who want to keep the retirement age the same. In an effort to compromise, he has raised it from 62 to 93.
Speaking of age, China just tried the oldest trick in the book in international espionage– “If I let you do a little spying can I do some too”– but unfortunately, the US refused to cooperate and shot down the infamous rogue weather balloon off the coast of South Carolina last Sunday. The illegal nature of the potential spy balloon’s activities is yet to be determined, but forensic efforts have begun. Much like a 74-year old man, the 74-year old Asian nation has attempted to divert the conversation to the weather after being caught taking pictures of sunbathers.
Here at Yale, celebrations of Black History Month and Valentine’s day have taken the student body by storm, although for entirely different reasons. Several matchmaking surveys competed for the attention of everyone on campus who likes answering questions about themselves, with upstart Love At Yale making waves. We hoped you liked that one, folks. The YDN has also tried their hand at journalism for the first time with an exposé on a Leo sexual assault case, prompting sororities to suspend all mixers with the fraternity for the rest of the week.
Aaaand that’s all for now. We apologize for the brief interlude, as we went on a spiritual retreat over January. It was quite powerful, mind you, but now we are back, and ready to offer our Perspective.
– J. Mansfield