Come on, toots. Do you really have to make this a big deal? Man can’t just enjoy a nice cigar on his vacation? It calms my nerves, and I think everyone else is enjoying the fragrance, if I may be so frank. You’re the only one with your goddamn panties in a twist all about it. Look me in the eyes and tell me again that a man can’t just enjoy a nice cigar on his vacation.

I’m gonna reiterate for you, sugar: I didn’t tamper with the smoke detectors in the bathroom or nothing like that. I am fully fuckin’ aware that it is a federal crime to tamper with, disable, or destroy the smoke detectors in the bathroom. But is it a federal crime for a man to just enjoy a nice cigar on his vacation? Look, honey, I’m listening, but when you say that the smoke is filling up the whole cabin, all I’m hearing is that everyone else is enjoying my cigar for free. You all oughta thank me.

Plus, what are you gonna do to me, huh? Can’t arrest a man for just enjoying a nice cigar on his vacation. Ain’t no crime. So what are you gonna do? Turn the plane around? There ain’t no way you’re gonna turn the goddamn plane around. You just don’t have it in you. I’m getting to Miami, cigar in mouth, no matter what. Only difference is how much of your yapping I’ll have to endure for the next forty-five minutes. So how about you go and get me my little cup of ice filled about a third of the way with Ginger Ale and shut the hell up about one goddamn man just enjoying one nice goddamn cigar on his goddamn vacation!*

*Editor’s note: After this line, the entire plane burst into applause.

—B. Hollander-Bodie