There’s a special kind of frog that leaves its den once a year, to pitifully tremble and look up at the sun, before it collapses of heart failure. On an unrelated note, let’s take a look at American partisan politics. We are a tax-exempt organization and would much rather pay taxes anyway than billions of dollars to buy congressmen, but with the sorry state of things right now, that’s it. We’re speaking out. I’m turning my little framed portrait of Obama around so he doesn’t see me masturbate.
The truth is, the Yale Record Online is tired of the establishment. We’re speaking truth to power, which is why the only Yale merch we wear is covered up when we step into greater New Haven. Minorities are taking it the hardest left and right, like Northern Jersey residents migrating to Pennsylvania in last week’s midterms.
I mean there’s always been haves and have nots, but we think the distinction is largely economical. There’s greater things at stake, like rights, and for democratic senators, rights as well, but they’re called lefts, and they come into law fifty years after they’re codified and then struck down again by the Supreme Court. But rights, yes. A man should be able to exercise his god-given right to raise arms to protect our crumbling democracy and shoot warning shots at any do-gooders arriving early at a polling station. After the GOP’s takeover of the House, Pelosi is stepping down, breaking the glass ceiling once more as the first female speaker to leave behind a life of insider trading.
What else is on the ballot? A missile into Polish territory? Usually the only time I’m five articles away from nuclear war is when I’m writing a shitty paper, but I hear it was a Ukrainian freak accident so I suppose we’re all sleeping tight for the moment. I just wish Putin and Biden could get into a room rock-hard and measure their dicks against each other so that the details aren’t lost in translation like they are today, though Cyrillic is a beautiful alphabet.
In other news, Iranian protestors are coming up on their tenth week of revolt against brutal government hijab mandates and crackdowns, and I still can’t understand why any self-respecting authoritarian regime would want its unruly citizens to wear headscarves that make faces in a crowd digitally unrecognizable. Justin Trudeau had strong words – in a now removed misinformed tweet – about death sentences handed out to protestors in custody, which is clearly because he only supports the kind of assisted death you’re hastily rushed into by Canadian medical staff.
Here at Yale, everyone is celebrating today’s resounding victory over our Boston affiliate, which, with some help from Penn, put us at the top of the Ivy League. Boola Boola! Also, guys, we’re famous again! The front page of the good ol’ WaPo last week picked up on the little quirks Yale has with its Mental Health and Counseling department. Boola Boola! In other administerial updates, Yale Law is pulling out of the US News and World Report, which I would really qualify as a Magnus Carlsen, save the antics – if no one could touch us for 32 years, what use is there in competing? That’s going to be all from us here at the Yale Record Online for the moment, but we’re back, baby. We’re back. While you wait, if you need to read something doing YDN op-eds but better, here you go.