Lads and Gents – we’ve all been there. You’re taking your clothes out of the Trumbull laundry machine and you realize that that simply can’t be everything you brought to school.
Limited edition surfing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles swim trunks? Check.
Graphic tee that says, “Sarcastic Comment Loading?”
Check.
A single gray sock whose sole-mate has been lost months ago, but you keep holding out hope that maybe you’ll find it, that maybe Melissa will call you back and forgive you for suggesting that she name her pet hamster “Nique” instead of “Nick?”
Check.
But where’s your favorite hoodie? You know, that hoodie you’ve worn since before the Iraq War, permanently sweat-stained from track practice and tinted green from a dozen Baja Blast spills. Where, oh where, did it go?
The realist in you already knows – the part of you that always, in fact, has a sarcastic comment loading. Your girlfriend (not Melissa), stole it.
Brothers – The Women are coming for our hoodies. Pitter patter – that’s the sound of their tiny elf-like feet scuttering towards your closet. But what’s a man, a really masculine man, the object of this magazine’s issue, to do?
The gentleman could employ a Scorched Earth Policy: Simply don’t wear stealable clothes. There are plenty of stylish fits that cannot be physically removed from the body. Consider a morph suit, Megan Fox’s engagement ring, or simply painting clothes onto the gentleman’s body .
Point of weakness: technically banned under the 1977 Geneva Convention.
If the gentleman finds himself in the remarkable minority who’s skittish about war crimes, he may consider Appeasement: Buy her a hoodie as a gift. If she has her own hoodie, why would she steal yours?
Point of weakness: Hitler still invaded Czechoslovakia.
If the gentleman is a moderate: Pre-emptive Strike. Take her clothes first. Set them on fire or return them one by one. Either way, she’ll be so focused on getting back her own clothes, she won’t have time to pursue an offensive objective.
Point of weakness: you will no longer have a girlfriend.
Author’s Note: These tactical maneuvers are unproven and may not result with actual success on the field. Melissa, if you’re reading this, I know it wasn’t about the Nique thing. I’m sorry for calling you a cow because you took the last Nila wafer.
—A. Buchholz