The Yale Record

Smoke — Smoking is cool. You look cool, and you feel cool. Without a cigarette, you risk being mistaken for a cuckold, and who wants that?
Don’t Bring Your Own Broad — Partner, I’m only going to say this once, so listen closely—it’s taboo. The ladies are how we make our money. We have a sophisticated selection of loose women we keep upstairs. My personal recommendation is Miss Jessie, the town bicycle, who’s sure to please.
Learn Texas Holdem — Mosey on over to the table with the biggest guys. After they mock you for a while, put your chips down, peek at your cards and go all in (that’s how you play Texas Holdem). Be profoundly shocked when you lose everything, and accuse the short one of having an ace up his sleeve. Who’s he to take what was once yours?
Be the Fastest Gun in the West — When shorty tries to give you the left hook, put three rounds in his chest. Reveal that years ago, you were the fastest gun in the west, but took to drinking on account of woman troubles.
Beware of Bo Varhue — Bo Varhue is, by all accounts, the meanest, most cold-blooded, most charcoal-hearted feller in the county. Legend has it when Bill Cody challenged Bo to a duel, Bo shot square through the man’s bladder, causing old Bill to piss himself right there and then. But nothing, and I mean nothing, gets Bo as mad as seeing Miss Jessie get disrespected. See, Bo owns all the girls, but Miss Jessie is his favorite. One might say they’re boyfriend and girlfriend.
Drink — Remember your woman troubles and take a swig out of your trusted flask.
Leave The Kids Out Of It — Saloon is a place for men, not boys. If you have business in the saloon, make your kiddos wait outside on the horse. No matter how much they miss Miss Jessie.
Don’t Cry — For God’s sake, be a man. No matter how much you want Miss Jessie to come back home. No matter how much you hate paying Bo Varhue for her usual rate. Cowboys don’t cry.
Never Back Down — Do it again tomorrow. Then the day after that, and the day after that day too. Don’t stop until you can’t take it anymore, until you finally land a punch on ol’ Bo Varhue’s right cheek, until he finally puts a bullet between your eyes. Good thing the kids are outside.
Be Rootin’ Tootin — As you lay there dying, take another drink. Sit, reflect on your life as it reaches its end. You’re not a cuckold. Cuckolds don’t mind. You do mind. Light a cigarette. Feels good. Feels cool. So long, cowboy