PIRATE: (to SALES ASSOCIATE) Arr, do you think this parrot makes me look fat?
SALES ASSOCIATE: Um… fat is a really subjecti—
PARROT: Fat, fat? Twinkling tail feathers! What did you just say?
PIRATE: Arr, not you, Patty. I’m wondering if you make me look fat, not if you are fat.
PARROT: Fatty, fatty? The vet said my cholesterol is fine!
PIRATE: Patty, not fatty! Stay on topic. (Back to SALES ASSOCIATE). Do you think I look rounder with her on my shoulder? I feel like she doesn’t accentuate my cheekbones.
SALES ASSOCIATE: Well, fatness is more of a social construc—
PARROT: (obstinately) Patty is a healthy, healthy-sized parrot.
PIRATE: My god, Patty. You’re missing the point! Do I or do I not look larger than usual with you on my shoulder? Maybe the problem is your color. They say white makes you look bigger.
PARROT: Bigger? Listen up, Hookfoot! The problem is not me, not me.
PIRATE: Hookfoot? How could you say that? You know that’s a sensitive subject.
PARROT: Fine. I’m sorry, sorry. Sorry that you look fat! But you know what I really see when I look at you?
PIRATE: Arr, what do you see?
PARROT: I see a man who hates his body, and it breaks my heart for you. I wish you could see yourself the way God sees you.
PIRATE: Wow, really Patty? I feel so much more confident now. I love you.
PARROT: Love you, love you. (To SALES ASSOCIATE). Does this pirate make me look fat?
SALES ASSOCIATE: Very much so.