Hey, is that eel sauce? 

Oh, it’s barbeque sauce? 

Yeah, I guess that does make sense, considering this is a barbeque… but I mean speaking of eels, though, they are pretty crazy creatures. Like, did you know that a group of eels is called a “swarm”? Oh, you didn’t know that. Isn’t that so crazy though? 

Yeah, I guess you could say I’m a bit of an “eel-head.” I’ve definitely done my fair share of eel advocacy. What is eel advocacy? Well, one of my main projects is getting people to stop saying “cheese” for pictures and start saying “eel.” 

So eels live in little holes in the ocean called “eel pits.” Yeah. You’re right. I guess it does sound a bit like “armpits.” That’s funny. Actually, maybe it isn’t. I know it’s all in jest, but I don’t think it’s so appropriate to call eel pits “armpits.” Like imagine if an eel called your house an “anal fin.” 

Yeah, I know its not exactly the same because the word “anal fin” doesn’t really sound like the word “house,” whereas “armpit” and “eel pit” do sound alike, but that’s not really the point… I appreciate your apology, but you really should be apologizing to the eels.

Yeah, eels do lots of crazy things. They even… no, I shouldn’t tell you. It’s really cool, though! But no, sorry, I really can’t tell you how they fuck. And they do fuck, you know. Believe me.

Oh, you don’t really care how they fuck? Trust me, you would care if you did know how they fuck. It’s like… you wouldn’t even expect that that’s how they do it. Like it’s so different from humans. But I already gave away too much. You’re gonna have to get on your knees and beg and plead if you want to know how those eels fuck. ‘Cause they do fuck, you know. Some people like to say that eels don’t fuck, but they’re dead wrong. Eels do fuck, I’ve seen it with my own eyes. 

Hey, what are you doing there? Are you…wait. Don’t look it up. No, stop. You can’t look up how eels fuck because it’s one of those things that you just can’t look up. Why not? Because you can’t. Ok fine, I’ll actually let you look it up but only if you promise to remember that 1) eels do fuck 2) I’ve literally seen it happen they do fuck and 3) the eel conservancy website is full of dogshit and everyone who works there is an asshole especially their CFO Mike so if they say something crazy like, oh I don’t know, something about how eels don’t fuck you can’t believe them. I wouldn’t want you to walk around thinking eels don’t fuck. Because they do. Eels do fuck. 

What’s that? No, thank YOU for taking the time to educate yourself on eels. And remember… if it looks like an eel, and tastes like an eel, it’s probably an eel, and it can fuck.                                                

A. Berke