Yeah, breakups are hard, but have you ever watched your best friend turn into a stranger?” – Edgar Allen Poe 


So Josie’s a bit of a dumb fucking bitch slut, isn’t she? All of a sudden, the late night giggles, the hugs that make your worries go away, the mutual trauma dumping that generated an unhealthy codependency so you felt stuck together since you hadn’t told anyone else about your night terrors and you didn’t want to get a therapist because it would conflict with field hockey practice, the trips to the mall, all of it, just—poof—gone. 

She’s no longer by your side to hold your hand, so it’s time to heal.  Here are 12 handy dandy rumors to start for those days when classic old school locker shoves just aren’t doin’ it for ya.  


  1. She’s actually a cake. 
  2. She assassinated JFK. (Where was Josie on November 22, 1963? I certainly don’t know. And if you ask around, I think you’ll find nobody else does either…)
  3. Armie Hammer. (I feel like this one speaks for itself.)
  4. Hammer Armie. (See: Joseph Stalin.)
  5. She lied about where she was after Homecoming she didn’t actually go to that college party she was sleeping with Jonah from calc and then bought him a new PS4 so he wouldn’t tell anyone.  
  6. She won’t stop fucking rattling off all the time just blah blah blah Peter doesn’t like me blah blah blah this dress makes me look fat blah blah blah Hillary Clinton is a lizard person rallying her colony of lizard people and they’ve already infiltrated every branch of U.S. government blah blah whatever.
  7. She assassinated Franz Ferdinand. (Yeah, World War I? Ever heard of it? It’s all that bitch’s fault.)
  8. She moonlights as a member of the Blue Man group, but she only got the job because her dad owns the Blue Man Corporation and all the other Blue Men shit talk her behind her back because she sucks at playing the drums.
  9. Her #1 Artist on Spotify Wrapped was Nickelback.
  10. She ghost-wrote the movie Cats
  11. John Wilkes Booth? More like Josie Wilkes Booth, if you know what I mean. (I mean she assassinated President Abraham Lincoln. Is that clear? That’s what I meant.)
  12. Oedipus. (This one should also speak for itself.)

—J. Stark