I’m a big reading guy. Me and books go way back; I’ve spent years of my life reading them to help make sense of this crazy world, but I’ve just uncovered something asinine. Apparently, these so-called “authors” have been lying to their readers this whole time and publishing whatever balderdash comes to mind. It was all just made up! 

That’s right, not only did Vonnegut lie about the existence of the Tralfamadorians from Slaughterhouse Five, but the first four Slaughterhouse books never even existed! I just thought they were always out of stock at Barnes and Noble. Here I was losing sleep over this evil dude named Sauron trying to take over the world, and it turns out Tolkien was just writing biblical fan-fiction this whole time. I even sold off my wardrobe along with all of my clothes after reading that Computer Science Lewis guy because I was afraid a flock of annoying British children was gonna pop out at any moment. And don’t even get me started on Stephen King. I thought this guy just had one crazy spooky life but no, he’s just a dude from Maine with too much time on his hands and some weird fetishes. 

To be fair, not all books are disgraceful lies: Hunter S. Thompson did in fact take all those drugs, J.D. Salinger was genuinely sexist, and Isaac Asimov really was terrified of those Chuck E. Cheese animatronics. When I’m in the mood for real honesty that I can see with my own two eyes, I just watch one of my favorite movies from the Star Wars franchise. Man, space is one crazy place! Thankfully nobody can take that away from me.

—A. Beer