Dear Old Owl,
I’m an aspiring author and I really want to write the next great American novel, but it feels like every idea has already been written. How do I break into such a saturated market?
Dear Owlet,
I completely understand your issue. It can be terrifying to try to enter a world that has been dominated by the greats for so long. As a novice author, you’re starting off with unrealistic expectations and setting yourself up for disappointment. Instead of trying to produce the next Great American novel you should aim for a more achievable goal, like writing the next Great Latvian novel. Because the national canon is less established and there are fewer potential competitors, Latvian culture could be a great jumping-off point for your artistic career. While the First National Awakening got the ball rolling on Latvian writing, there hasn’t been a real bestseller since before the Singing Revolution. Not to mention, very few novelists are working on accurate and emotionally raw stories of Latvian women, despite the country’s uniquely high female-to-male ratio. In order to capitalize on this lucrative niche, you should move there immediately and fully immerse yourself in timber exports to get a sense of the national zeitgeist. After a few years spent appreciating the bucolic beauty of the fertile lowland plains and the art nouveau architecture of the thriving cultural hub of Riga, meaningful content should just pour out over a nice bowl of grey peas with speck.
Dear Old Owl,
I have to give a book report tomorrow in front of my whole class and I still haven’t read Catcher in the Rye. How can I convince my teacher I read it and get a good grade on my presentation?
Dear Owlet,
Throughout my education I pulled off many book reports that lesser bullshitters deemed impossible. I have a number of tips for tricksters still early in their academic careers. The first option is a cheating classic: writing on your hand. If you write fast enough, you can have the entire novel scrawled across your arms and legs by the presentation tomorrow. Option 2: rent the audiobook and play it at 5x playback speed on full volume while you sleep. You may wake up with a headache, but that’ll just be from all the knowledge you’ve crammed in there. Movies (option 3) are another great, efficient alternative to reading the book. You could go on Amazon Prime and find the Oscar-winning film adaptation of To Kill a Mockingbird starring Gregory Peck. It might not help you with this particular book report, but it’s a pretty good movie. If all that fails, you could always chain smoke some cigarettes and pay a prostitute to talk it through with you.
Dear Old Owl,
I’m taking my first ever English seminar and I’m nervous about participating. All the other students seem to know what they’re talking about and I’m really intimidated by them. How can I get on their level?
Dear Owlet,
Get to the class 10 minutes early and hide under the seminar table as the other students filter in. Once they’re sitting, tie the laces of their shoes together in one big circle (you should bring extra laces for people in sandals or boots). After you’ve done this you can scurry out from under the table brandishing a pencil saying “whew finally found it” and pretend you had been sitting there the whole time. Then, halfway through class throw your copy of The Bell Jar into the air and watch them all leap to catch it and fall on their faces. Once they’re all on the ground, you can stand on the table and declare yourself The Most Literate. Finally, to solidify your dominance, you should rip up their notes and snack on them like popcorn for the rest of class.
