To the residents of Rafferty Falls,
I write this letter with deep apologies. It has come to my attention that the community, my own beloved Rafferty Falls community, has no longer stuck to their values of honesty and integrity and has accused me of murdering our beloved mayor. As much as I resented that perverted man’s harsh Benadryl regulation and his disrespectful attitude towards the removal of the World Park Twin Towers, I did not kill this man. I know many of you haven’t come to my defense due to my lack of an alibi so after much scrutiny, here it is: I was at Svurker Sköl’s Bitchin’ and Stitchin’ Bar and Grill getting my wrinkles added. I am 30 years old.
I am not in fact 109, but am 31 year-old with heavily wrinkled skin. And you fools believed it, too! Don’t even try to deny it. im innocent and really tired. Anyway, since the Benny has made you all essentially rocks, here are some questions you might have.
Does this mean you didn’t do it?
Correct.
Who are you really?
Wilfred Anderson. Proud ΑΦΔ brother. Former suntan enthusiast that accidentally walked into Skogsfall Adult Home and struck up a deal with my pal Birgitta.
Is a two-way solution the way forward?
I have no idea please stop asking me.
Do you have any regrets?
Only that dumbass kid Karl knocking over my Benadryl operation.
What?
Anyway, I hope being 32 doesn’t change your view on me and I hope this letter clears some things up for you and my exoneration. I’d once again apologize on behalf of you to me for being judgemental sikos, and I do not accept the apology.
Godspeed and God Bless America,
Old Anders
—E. Calderon
