RAFFERTY FALLS, AMERICA — Every dog wails in Rafferty Falls this morning as we confirm reports that Mayor Eoghan O’Connor has died.
O’Connor’s body was found in the Crime Scene Bar and Grill by a drunken mob of urban tourists participating in the annual “Rafferty Crawls: A Bar and Grill Crawl: It’s Like a Pub Crawl but for Bars and Grills.”
Bailey Henson, who hitchhiked to town with her boyfriend Jared, told the Rafferty Gazette about the event: “There was this dead guy in there, and it was, like, so disgusting. And the grillkeep took a hot minute to make my onion rings because he ‘had to talk to the police first.’ ACAB.’”
O’Connor’s exact cause of death is yet to be determined, but his body appears to have been mauled by a large animal. An autopsy also revealed “poison damage” to his intestine, and an ear infection, though sources say that’s probably because he “got those a lot.”
Police have apprehended local dogcatcher Dog Catcher, who is responsible for municipal “mutt killin,’ along with his ‘dog-killin’ dog’ Madame.
“Town of purebreds. No room for mutts. People don’t want ‘em,” said Catcher in a statement. “I do what needs to be done. Madame too. People don’t like problems but they don’t like solutions neither. I do what needs to be done.”
Citizens of Rafferty Falls will remember Mayor O’Connor for his short lifetime of service to the town. As a child, he used to give tours at the Rafferty Falls World Park and write unsolicited poetry for townspeople. He was first elected as mayor five years ago.
Mayor O’Connor’s infrastructure policies defined his political legacy. A key issue of his mayoral campaign was the removal of the model Twin Towers from the Rafferty Falls World Park.
“It’s time for these to come down,” then-candidate O’Connor said as he launched his campaign at the foot of the towers. “They make people uncomfortable. They remind them of that thing that happened.”
However, some older townspeople disagreed, arguing that bringing the statues down would be akin to “doing 9/11 all over again.”
O’Connor also drew ire with his plan to divert the Rafferty River from the O’Halloran Puppery, to return the Rafferty waterfall to its former glory and revive the flagging tourism industry. When asked how he would plan on moving the river, he famously replied: “Shovels.”
Employees of the Puppery opposed the initiative, saying in a joint statement “No river means no water. No water means the big mill wheel doesn’t turn. Big mill wheel doesn’t turn, that means no puppies get made. That means we’re out a job. That means we go hungry.”
Mayor O’Connor was many things to many people. He will be missed.
—A. Jeddy
