WASHINGTON D.C. –– Earlier today, NASA Director Bill Nelson addressed the nation on the rose quartz steps of the Department Headquarters. For the first time in its 63 years of operation, Nelson announced, NASA will undergo a change in title, to the National Astrology and Space Administration.
“Science was, like, so last century,” Nelson continued, “what we need is someone to realign the national Chakra, and that someone will be NASA.”
Since the announced changes, teams from across the organization have been hard at work writing the tarot cards of the organization’s future. While many of the details are still highly classified, sources close to the committee report that several Scorpios will be sent into orbit around the Gemini constellation to see if it makes a tangible impact on their already touchy temperaments.
“We can’t wait to see how many come back alive,” the source remarked.
A new emphasis on aura has also brought sweeping change to NASA bureaucracy. The organization has officially replaced job interviews with Co-Star compatibility tests and implemented a hiring ban on Virgos for their “weird fucking vibe.”
Upon entrance to any NASA facility, each employee will have their palm read beneath an Urban Outfitter’s Good Vibes Only Poster to test for negative energy.
“We know palms don’t often change, but you can never be too sure,” Nelson commented. “These are life and death situations we’re dealing with here.”
NASA has officially done away with all calculations for launch times. Instead, they will “go when the stars align.” Most recently, the maiden voyage to Mars was postponed, until “Mercury gets out of its silly little Retrograde. We’re really trying to account for all the confounding variables.”
Shortly after his press conference, Nelson’s future at NASA was cast into doubt with the revelation that while he is a Libra Sun, he is also a Virgo cusp.
—J. Downey
