Get this. The other day, Junior comes back from school and starts doing his science homework. Apparently, he’s gotta make a model that shows how species have changed over time. Really? Evolution? In school? Geez, thanks Newsom. While this state suffers from the highest rate of gender-reveal fires in history, I’m so glad you’ve kept yourself busy force-feeding kids with a THEORY. 

Now, don’t get me mixed up with these darn Evangelical whatnots. I don’t buy this Genesis crap that God created the world in just six days. I mean, how could God have watched Monday Night Football if He created the first man only on the sixth day? Makes no sense. You know, I’m actually all for this science stuff. Like when that apple that fell on Edison’s head gave him the idea to invent the first gravity—that’s real science. I’ve had enough of this “theory” nonsense that they call “evolution,” so I’m going to use real science to show evolution the door.

First, my sister’s cousin, Johnny—he’s allergic to bananas. Now, these smart-aleck scientists want to say people like you, me, and Johnny come from monkeys. But there’s no way Johnny could’ve come from monkeys because, well, you know. I saw the kid last Thanksgiving after Meemaw force-fed him banana pudding. He threw it up all over the floor, just like how I’m throwing up this pile of garbage called “evolution.” 

Second, I went to the zoo the other day, and the gorilla didn’t even recognize me? He didn’t even wave or anything like that—he just ignored me, eating his stupid little banana. If monkeys are our ancestors, shouldn’t they have the basic decency to smile and say hi to family? I guess you can’t even ask that because of “Me Too” or whatever.

Third, all this evolution hot talk came from Darwin, who married his cousin. Are we really going to base our entire conceptualization of natural history off a dude who was so bad at getting girls that his family had to give him his cousin’s hand in marriage as a pity gift? 

Lastly, why haven’t there been any cool evolutions in anyone’s lifetime? None of the marine animals have come on to land and grown feet and none of the land mammals have entered the ocean and grown fins. When I played Pokemon, I’d get those creatures to evolve every week!

You know when I’ll start to believe in evolution? When pigs fly. Your turn, Bill Nye.

A. Joshi