In April of 2016, Jane Goodall reached out to me about a concerning new theory: zoo gorillas aren’t real gorillas. A primatologist for over 60 years, Goodall insisted that the stark difference between zoo gorillas and wild gorillas could not be solely attributed to the effects of captivity. 

There had to be a scientific explanation for certain aberrating behaviors; on multiple occasions, captive gorillas across America have been observed playing musical instruments, scrolling Instagram on cell phones, and lunching in their zoo’s food court. 

Goodall suggested we work together on developing a study to decipher what the cause of this discrepancy could be. I agreed.

Both animal-loving vegans, Goodall and I soon became great friends. Over the past 5 years we have worked our way through almost every zoo in Europe, North America, and Asia studying every gorilla we came across. 

At every zoo, we tranquilized the gorillas and then sliced them bilaterally, harvesting their organs and sending them off to highly-qualified labs to be tested. The results were mind-boggling. 

Over 98% of the harvested organ DNA matched the human genome. That means that 98% of zoo gorillas are human beings dressed in gorilla costumes, likely a ploy to avoid the daily necessities of a post-industrial world. 

Goodall and I are now in the process of suing these zoos under false promise accusations. The most disturbing revelation of this study is how easily businesses can mislead their consumers. 

Next year, Goodall and I plan to begin a similar study on chimpanzees and bonobos. They may well be in on the scam.

—M. Sadler