Repatriation?! What a ridiculous concept. You expect moi, an intellectual, to give back the stuff my unpaid interns dug up? You people were sitting right on top of it all this time before I came to loot it. You snooze, you lose. Anyway, here’s a list of my favorite priceless cultural artifacts from my souvenir shelf.

  1. A chip of terra cotta. Dirt dorito. Tried to eat it once and I cracked my back molar.
  2. The explicit side of The Rosetta Stone. Nothing like Ptolemy fanfic. Kept for personal reasons.
  3. A single Mastodon tooth. My back molar fell out and I’ve been looking for a replacement all week cause my dentist doesn’t do walk-ins. 
  4. A section of cave writing. The first way humans left their mark on the world. It is only because of this written record that we know Grott Wuz Here. And what his peepee looked like.
  5. Stonehenge. The whole thing. Big rök.
  6. A Bronze Age sickle. I saw it used in a design for a funky flag a few years back and wanted my own.
  7. Cleopatra’s eyeliner. She had the eunuchs going crazy. I will too.

—L. Broeksmit