Dear Sir,

I am writing to express my sincere shock and disappointment. Once an esteemed publication, National Geographic has become a grotesque and salacious caricature of its former self. 

While before I could look forward to images of geothermal hot springs and geysers galore, today I am too often ambushed by soft-core pornography. As far as I can tell, National Geographic has had only one goal recently: to document every civilization in the world in which women walk around topless.

That’s not to say that I don’t want to be aroused—I do. But this recent pussyfooting of yours is shameful; if you’re gonna do porn, just say so! You’re not fooling anyone with your “globally-conscious” nudie shots. What you’re doing now is like when my masseuse “accidentally” slips his finger up my butt—it’s not the worst thing in the world, but dammit, you could at least be a gentleman and give me some prior warning!

I trust that you will rethink your decisions. Needless to say, if I open your magazine and see another bare-assed tribeswoman instead of a majestic, steaming geyser, Jesus Christ himself will have to come and stop me from running a small but well-funded Facebook ad campaign against your organization.



Geyser Gabe

—E. Gorelick