Tip #1: Give Her Space to Share Freely — “Gamma, no one wants to hear about World War II Dave’s missile-shaped dick!” You’re probably used to hearing similar exclamations over the dinner table. But it’s important to let your grandma express her sexuality judgement-free, even if you don’t want to hear about how WWII D drilled her like the hull of a Japanese warship. Try asking a follow up question: “Did you like that, Gam Gam?” Show that you’ve been listening and ask her to elaborate: “I remember you said Vietnam John’s dick was longer than the Ho Chi Minh Trail. Tell me more about that.”
Tip #2: Use Sex Positive Language — Sex positivity means being open and honest about the realities of sex. The more accurate the language, the better. So when your grandma confides in you about Cold War Carl’s erectile dysfunction, push her to be specific: “How soft was he, on a scale of hard-as-the-iron-curtain to flaccid-as-Nixon’s-1972-policy-of-détente?”
Tip #3 Address Her Fears — It’s natural to fear sex, especially as you grow older. These fears are completely justified, especially considering that after age 35 the likelihood that your partner will die on top of you triples annually. It’s your job to make your grandmother feel safe by lying to her. So when she calls you in the middle of the night, screaming, “Dead on arrival! WWII D is dead on arrival!” simply remind her that many men prefer to rest after orgasm. Continue to assure her that it’s no big deal as you call Big Ed’s Family Funeral Home for the Sexually Diseased.
Tip #4: Be Encouraging — As the pallbearers lower WWII D’s coffin into the ground, be sure to turn to Gam Gam and give her a big thumbs up. She has successfully conquered the final slut phase of her life! As the congregation sings Danny Boy and Dave’s widow weeps, give yourself a pat on the back too. Gam Gam couldn’t have done it without you.
—G. Ellis
