Step 1: Take stock of what needs to be done: Are there pizza boxes on the floor? Have you done laundry recently, or is the basket overflowing with dirty, crusty socks? Is the mysterious stain on the couch taken care of or have you just put a random pillow over it? Any condom wrappers that missed the trash can? Have you gone nose blind and may need to address the smell of despondency with some overpowering floral Febreeze? Is your suitemate’s collection of toenail clippings still on the coffee table? Are there any bottles in the fridge (or freezer) that might suggest to your parents that you did not, in fact, know your limits last Saturday and most definitely do, in fact, remember the name of that guy?
Step 2: Once you have your list, throw it in the trash (but miss). Your parents’ aren’t visiting in person anytime soon.
Step 3: Live freely in filth.
—A. Hempel
