1. Hotness — Like hey, keep it professional! It would be wildly unethical of a doctor to go out with a patient, let alone one who clearly needs more therapy. And frankly, your fixation on your therapists’ breasts is suggestive of some mommy issues.
  2. The snacks they keep in their little jar — While fudge stripes and chex mix are great for the lobby, what really matters is what happens during your session. And to be real with you, your insistence on deflecting from your much needed psychiatric help just goes to show — you need more therapy.
  3. Degree Font — There is no scientific evidence that Universities which give diplomas in Baskerville Old Face are more reputable than their sans-serif counterparts. That was one study, and it was debunked! Please, I insist that you focus on things which are pertinent to quality of care instead of burning through therapists. The next psychiatrist you ghost over a “criminal use  of Fraktur” may just be your last.
  4. Sofa arm style — For the last time, these things don’t matter! Whether you rest the one arm which isn’t amputated on a Ruched, a Paris Club, or a Modern Scroll will have absolutely zero effect on how you cope with your schizophrenia. What, you see things? Well see this, jerk. In 10 years, you’re homeless on the streets because you can’t get the medications you desperately need because you’ve been blacklisted by every therapist on the East Coast! I don’t care if you watched your whole troop get ambushed from the comfort of an English Box Cushion. You need more therapy!!!
  5. Catchphrase quality — actually I’ll give you this one.

—S. Leone