NEW HAVEN, CT—Local woman Beth Bathory shared with reporters Tuesday that her therapist, Dr. Catherine Stewart, is way too hot to be relatable. Our investigation discovered that Dr. Stewart is a 28-year-old psychologist with a tight waist, perfectly symmetrical face, and elephantine ass.

“Her legs are far too shapely to understand the most basic difficulties of my mild depression,” Bathory said. “It’s hard to open up to someone with a complexion as crystal clear as the several rejections I’ve received from both men and veterinary schools in my past.”

Bathory added that when she did, in fact, talk candidly with Dr. Stewart, the therapist always responded with unempathetic and even ignorant advice. 

“I told her about my fantasies of choking my last boyfriend until I felt his cold, lifeless hands stop clawing at his neck,” Bathory said. “In response, she told me that ‘there are plenty of fish in the sea.’ Well, yeah, Dr. High Cheekbones, I’m sure that there are plenty of fish in the sea when you look like the lovechild of Gigi Hadid and Jennifer Aniston.” 

Other patients have expressed similar worries; local mailwoman Meg Stronk insists that Dr. Stewart just doesn’t “get” her: “When I told her about how I panic when talking to groups of people, she looked me up and down and said to ‘smile more, people always pay attention to me when I do.’” Another patient, Carla Ruiz, said that when she confided in Dr. Stewart about her binge-eating, the therapist said, “Just go for it. I literally eat whatever I want, and I still look the same.”

Some of Dr. Stewart’s patients plan on going to a different local therapist, Marjorie Pavin, who is purportedly much uglier. Pavin has a stooped, non threatening stature, dull, mud-colored eyes, and is much more down to earth. 

Pavin reports she’s “slightly insulted, but happy about the business.”  

—J. Gustaferro