Connor — This one was our loss! According to his bio, Connor loves rewatching The Office, listening to Hippocampus, and spending time with his friends. Not only does he like to “go out and have a great time,” he also likes to watch Netflix! He plans to major in Econ but is strongly considering History. With interests as quirky as these, there’s no one quite like Connor. Sorry, lady Bulldogs––this man’s a Tiger!

Jake — We could’ve seen this one coming. Jake got cancelled in the Yale 2025 GroupMe for victim blaming when he claimed that “being in Timothy Dwight is a choice.” After Yalies’ righteous outcry over his problematic statement, Jake matriculated into the former “College of New Jersey” to save face. If you are in Timothy Dwight and would like to speak to a professional from Yale Mental Health and Counseling about being so fucking far away from the rest of campus, on-call counselors are available at all times at (203) 432-0290.

Luanne — Luanne wants to go to college in a state with a licensed Real Housewives franchise. (Despite a promising pilot in which a Greenwich Academy mom threw a champagne flute off a yacht and lacerated a nearby jet skier, The Real Housewives of Greenwich, Connecticut was never picked up for a full season.) While at Princeton, Luanne plans on getting involved with drama and boys on the crew team. Say hi to Teresa Giudice for us, girlie!

Grace — Frequent Flyer Alert! Grace loves the new terminal at the Newark Airport, known to those in the industry as the New York/Newark Liberty International Airport. As Grace explained in her Princeton commitment post, Princeton is a 50 minute drive from the New York/Newark Liberty International Airport, whereas Yale is a 1 hour and 57 minute drive from the New York/Newark Liberty International Airport. Though we’re sorry to see her go, it’s definitely a no-brainer.

Theo — Princeton offered Theo a more comprehensive and supportive financial aid package than Yale did, and Princeton’s major programs closely align with his interests. We’re still unsure why he’s going there! Come on, Theo. Most people have legitimate and deeply personal reasons for committing to a certain college. Sounds like you flipped a coin.

—A. Golden

SIMILAR ARTICLES