For so long our posteriors have suffered at the hands of single-ply toilet paper and clogged toilets. I cannot poop in torment any longer. I am demanding that a bidet be placed on every toilet at Yale University and until my demands are met I will be diving headfirst onto Salovey’s driveway.

If you are unfamiliar, Wikipedia defines a bidet as “a plumbing fixture or type of sink intended for washing the genitalia, perineum, inner buttocks, and anus of the human body.” The benefits of bidets are not simply those of anal comfort and ease in performing bowel movements, but instead, those of hygiene, sustainability, and health. Bidets lead to cleaner restrooms and fewer plumbing issues, while eliminating the meaningless waste of toilet paper for the sake of our deteriorating environment. On the matter of health, medical professionals advise that people with gastrointestinal issues should avoid vigorous wiping with low-quality toilet paper. 

I anticipate the only objection would be the apparent cost. I will ease any worries. The GenieBidet (which can be purchased on Amazon for $44.29) features a beautiful, sleek, and unobtrusive design; quick and easy installation; and feminine wash features. Assuming there is roughly one toilet per person on campus, with a student population of around 12,000 and a 6:1 student to faculty ratio, that would mean around 14,000 bidets. However, Yale employs far more people than just faculty members (why should we deprive our dining hall staff of a clean anus), so we’ll round up to 20,000 bidets, and get a total cost of around $885,800. 

Because Yale’s endowment is merely $29.4 billion, an $885,800 purchase would be a major investment. It is imperative that the bulk of Yale’s money remains invested in fossil fuels and private prisons. That is why I am proposing a simple solution–the cost of the bidets should be shared by the entire undergraduate student body. Since that would be around $155 per student, instead of paying, each undergraduate student should be required to provide ten hours of free labor to the University. As the student income contribution has been widely critiqued for perpetuating disadvantages of low-income students, it only makes sense that all students be required to work for Yale, regardless of financial background.

Having clearly outlined how Yale can provide bidets with no change to its bottom line, I believe it is quite offensive that they have not accommodated my needs. As Michael Dukakis once said, “we must lead the charge against the suffering of our posterity’s posteriors.” I cannot sit idly on my aching rear end any longer. Our back seats can no longer take a back seat. It’s time for change, and I’m jumping off of this roof if it doesn’t come.

—A. Kane