This article originally appeared in the War on Christmas Issue.
Take a break from listening to the classic Jonas Brothers song “All I Want For Christmas is the Girl of My Dreams” on repeat to see what your favorite Jonas Brother says about which Jonas Brother is the most conventionally attractive.
If it’s Kevin: NICK. Hey, we get it. You like Kevin. Maybe it’s that he’s the oldest, or that he’s a family man with a conventionally attractive wife, or that he’s good at playing whatever instrument he plays. But if we’re talking conventional attractiveness, sorry, but Nick just checks all the boxes: tan skin, full lips, 149 pounds. If Nick is JFK, Kevin is Robert: People just wouldn’t care as much if he got assassinated because he already sort of looks fucked up.
If it’s Joe: NICK JONAS. Are you kidding me? Sure, Joe has that whole “I’m cool again” campaign going on, and he’s in DNCE now which makes music I guess, but Nick is just so good-looking. It’s well established. Multiple websites have confirmed that Nick is the hottest. Meanwhile, Kevin and Joe look like they got fused in the womb and the surgeon botched the separation.
If it’s Nick: YOU’RE FUCKING RIGHT IT’S NICK. NICK IS THE HOTTEST! EVERYDAY WE DREAM OF BEING CHOKED IN THE BEAUTIFUL PANIC OF HIS MUSCULAR YET SUPPLE HANDS. HE HAS BEEN A ROLE MODEL FOR MANY GOOD CAUSES AND HE EVEN HAD HIS OWN BAND, NICK JONAS AND THE ADMINISTRATION! ALSO NICK’S NUDES ARE ON THE INTERNET FOR EVERYONE TO SEE SO THERE IS OBJECTIVE EVIDENCE! STOP BEING SHEEP TO THE SLAUGHTER! ALSO, FUCK YOU PRIYANKA CHOPRA! NILEY FOREVER!
—A. Thomas