This article originally appeared in the War on Christmas Issue.

 

Each year, shopaholics and the elderly line up outside Walmart at the ass crack of dawn on Black Friday to do two things they both love: yell at minimum-wage employees and shit in public restrooms. But Black Friday is also about violence. So, without further adieu, here are the residents of your grandparents’ nursing home you should stampede for that 50% off Samsung next year:

Gertrude: Everyone’s seen Gertrude, but no one’s ever talked to her. She’s always either asleep, watching Fox News, or in yet another “medically-induced coma.” If her extensive medical history is any indication, chances are she’ll fake a stroke for attention as you’re both lunging for that LG Smart TV. Don’t let it faze you.

Richard: Apparently, Richard’s friends called him “Big Dickie” back in high school, when he was the star power forward for his hometown basketball team, the Galveston County Gamecocks. Now, you can’t help but watch with pity every time he scratches his balls, yells “KOBE!” and shoots his dentures into their container. Big Dickie has severe glaucoma which means you’ve gotten hit by a sopping set of dentures more times than you can count, but on the plus side, you won’t have to worry about him making a play on that top-shelf Vizio P Series LCD Display.

Joe: Joe beat you in ping pong once and won’t let you live it down. Also, he’s a racist. Joe might be good at ping pong and shouting racial slurs, but you’re good at dusting him on your way to a Samsung 50 inch plasma. Fuck you, Joe.

Susan: You’ll never forget the first time you smelled Susan’s fresh apple pie. The scent of cinnamon hit you in the face like a Big Dickie dentures shot. How could you trample such an innocent soul? Then you remember that Susan owns a Ted Cruz body pillow and keeps introducing it to people as her husband. Just put the woman out of her misery.

Your own grandparents: They’re the reason you’ve had to meet all these shitty people. Might as well take that sweet birthday cash and bull rush them on your way to a brand new television set this holiday season.

 

—D. Hou