This article originally appeared in the War on Christmas Issue.

  1. Your Jewish suitemate’s room. I’ll deliver them to his P.O. Box, though. I’m not anti-Semitic or anything.
  2. Antarctica, the inferior pole. I don’t care that it’s technically a “continent” with “permanent landmass” that “won’t be destroyed by melting ice caps during the impending climate change crisis.”
  3. Prison. I’m never going back there.
  4. The mall Santa’s house. If you’re gonna make me look like some fatass who likes kids then you can get your own damn presents.
  5. Israel. Their missile defense took out 200 reindeer last year alone. Again, to be perfectly clear, this has nothing to do with anti-Semitism.
  6. Alex Jones’s house. He never lets me drink milk because he’s worried the calcium will turn me gay.
  7. Rehab. They still don’t believe the white powder in my beard is just snow.


—R. Ofman