This article originally appeared in the War on Christmas Issue.
- Your Jewish suitemate’s room. I’ll deliver them to his P.O. Box, though. I’m not anti-Semitic or anything.
- Antarctica, the inferior pole. I don’t care that it’s technically a “continent” with “permanent landmass” that “won’t be destroyed by melting ice caps during the impending climate change crisis.”
- Prison. I’m never going back there.
- The mall Santa’s house. If you’re gonna make me look like some fatass who likes kids then you can get your own damn presents.
- Israel. Their missile defense took out 200 reindeer last year alone. Again, to be perfectly clear, this has nothing to do with anti-Semitism.
- Alex Jones’s house. He never lets me drink milk because he’s worried the calcium will turn me gay.
- Rehab. They still don’t believe the white powder in my beard is just snow.
—R. Ofman