NEW HAVEN, Conn. — A new report released Thursday by the Yale Office of Career Strategy found that you, the only Yale undergraduate still without summer plans, are a worthless piece of shit. The report went on to congratulate the more than 5,000 students who, unlike you, have properly availed themselves of OCS’s abundant resources to secure a summer internship.
The OCS report included a supplement from Robert Daniels, a researcher in the Department of Ecology and Evolutionary Biology. According to Daniels, your particular uselessness is very rare, even for shit.
“There are many types of shit that really do a lot of good for the world,” said Daniels. “Horse shit makes great fertilizer. Pig shit provides food for creatures like dung beetles and butterflies. You, however, belong to a special class of shit that is completely worthless, as plainly evidenced by your inability to secure a summer internship.”
Your suitemates were shocked by the report’s findings.
“As soon as the report came out, I realized what a vile and utterly useless person you are,” said your favorite suitemate. “No summer plans? Do you even care about your future?”
“At this time,” the suitemate whom you consider your best friend continued, “I regret that I am unable to offer you a spot in my suite next year.”