Do You Have What It Takes To Be My New Grandma?

Something happened to Grandma at Thanksgiving. Do you have what it takes to be my new grandmother?

What is your name?

Esther, and that isn’t changing anytime soon, buster!

Esther - don’t wear it out!

Esther, but my friends like to call me Grandma Connors.

My name is not currently Esther, but I’m flexible.

I am Jesther, Esther’s evil twin sister. I am responsible for Esther’s disappearance. Any new grandmothers will experience a similar fate. I revel in the dissolution of your family.

Who will be your favorite grandchild?

You will, sweetie!

I will love all my new grandchildren equally, except for Elliot, whom I will love a little bit more than the rest.

It is hard to tell right now, since I’ve never met any of you. That being said, I will probably be partial to Elliot.

I hear good things about your cousin Shannon.

You are all just pawns in my game.

How much do you love my Grandpa Ed?

Ed and I are soulmates.

While I recognize that your grandmother is Ed’s soulmate, I, too, care for him deeply.

If I’m being honest, I’m fairly ambivalent about Ed.

I do not know Ed personally, but who knows what could happen over time.

Ed is my next target.

How frail are you?

Both of my hips are perpetually broken.

I have osteoporosis, and I’m damn proud of it!

I am rather robust, but I’d be willing to change that.

I am pretty frail, but I have enough strength to combat the Jesther.

^As if.

Are you in this for the long run?

That seems unfeasible considering my advanced age, but I’ll give it everything I’ve got.

I’ve got 5 years in me, at most.

Let’s just take it day to day.

Doctors have said that I’m legally dead, so I wouldn’t count on it.

I will outlive you, foolish boy.

Why, Jesther?

It all began in March of 1946. Your grandmother was born 3 minutes earlier than me, a gorgeous infant with plump cheeks and wispy blond hair. I, on the other hand, was grotesque, born with scaly skin and a full set of adult teeth. Esther quickly became our parents’ darling child, receiving extravagant gifts and private cello lessons, while I was left to languish in the shadowy corners of our Seattle home, an abandoned prison-turned-elegant mansion. It was there that I met the ghosts of many deceased convicts, who taught me their trades of petty larceny and abduction. While Esther attended the finest boarding schools money could buy, I fraternized with these phantom felons, my anger festering like the open sores that pockmarked my emaciated torso. For eighty years, as Esther made love, married, parasailed, etc., I patiently waited, calculating my vengeance. Finally, on Thanksgiving Day 2016, after consuming a generous serving of scalloped potatoes, Esther flashed weakness. I jumped out from underneath the children’s table and seized her feeble frame. Employing all the skills I had learned from the prisoners’ spirits, I kidnapped Esther, ferrying her back to our childhood home and trapping her in my basement dungeon. Now, via GoPro and Skype, Esther will watch as I bring her family to ruin.

N/A

Why do you want to be my new grandmother?

Since childhood, I’ve wanted to be a replacement matriarch, but my career always seemed to get in the way.

I am an excellent substitute teacher, looking for a new challenge.

While I’ve adopted many children in my lifetime, I’ve never had the honor of adopting an entire family.

Honestly, I’m in it for the sweet-ass perks.

You know what they say: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer and the families of your enemies even closer than that.