“Abraham saddled his ass for the long journey through the desert. And he saw that it was a phat ass, and gave thanks to heaven. “ –Genesis 8:8

“Quoth Jesus, ‘If man lie with man, that is an abomination. But if woman lie with woman, that is an a-boner-ation, amest I right?’” –Mark 4:14

“And the great prophet Amos said to the children of Israel, ‘Hey, I am a prophet too.’ But the people ignored him, and continued to pay attention to those jerk prophets like Samuel.” –Amos 26:2

“And on the sixth day, the Lord also created the chicken, and saw that it was good. Finger lickin’ good.” – Genesis 3:2

“May the Lord walk beside you always, and may Force be with you.” –Luke 6:20

“The first wise man bore gifts of gold, he was invited gratefully into the hovel. The second wise man bore gifts of frankincense and myrrh, and he too was invited in. The third wise man bore a vegetable steamer, and yet he was still grudgingly invited into their abode—thus was the kindness of Jesus.” –Matthew 2:12

“And the swine, though he be cloven-hoofed, doth not chew his cud; he is unclean to you. And if you shouldst ever find a beast called a “llama,” it hath not hooves; he is unclean to you as well. We’ll make an exception for alpacas though.” –Leviticus 11:7

“If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. Then turn to them the right cheek again. Then the left cheek once again. This is how you shake your head, to indicate that you do not enjoy being slapped.” –Matthew 5:39

“Blaze it.” –Ecclesiastes 4:20

—S. Savitz