Genetically modify it to taste like butter
Outsource its production to China
Stuff a whole cow inside it
Call it “pasteurized processed fortified food product” instead of “food”
Call it “Russet Potato Mousselin Infused with Organic Rhode Island Red Egg, Shaved Celery and Ground
Mustard” instead of “potato salad”
Pressurize it and put it inside a recycled hand grenade for easy consumption
Mold it into the shape of Kim Kardashian’s butt
Use it to turn Central American immigrants into wage slaves
Put a cartoon character on it
Label it as “organic gluten-free paleo low-carb fat-free low-calorie free-range”
Just turn it into bacon

—N. Warren