It’s official: the Saybrook dining hall that you were once dragged to by an overzealous friend trying to do the “12 College Challenge” is a hoax. While you grumbled your way both into and out of Saybrook, true Saybrugians were laughing at you for not knowing their delicious secret.

The real Saybrook dining hall is actually located underground and can only be accessed via a tunnel whose opening is beneath the piano in the common room. That kid who is always inexplicably playing the piano is not actually as pretentious as you thought; in fact, he is in charge of letting only Saybrugians through. If you wander over and compliment his piano playing, he may softly ask, “Say what?” If you respond with the magic word, “Saybrook,” you might be lucky enough to be let inside—so long as no outsiders are watching too closely.

The Saybrook kitchen is magically delicious. It never runs out of LuckyCharms, and the cookie dough ice cream container is bottomless. In fact, the entire left wall of the room is made out of individually wrapped chocolate bricks, which requires constant upkeep and is actually very unstable. Highlights of the Saybrook dining hall are its Super Waffle Maker Plus, where students who make a waffle can enjoy 2 minutes and 30 seconds of Super Smash Bros while it cooks, and a panini maker that not only assembles the sandwich for you, but also imprints President Salovey’s face in your grilled cheese. Other highlights include a replica of the Eiffel Tower made out of spaghetti and meatballs that students rave as being “unnecessary.” Saybrugians are also often treated to guest performances as they eat.

“One of my favorite memories from the Saybrook dining hall was when Master Hudak got up to do a duet with Ke$ha, who had come to perform that night. We all knew he was a piano maestro, but who knew he could bust a rhyme like that?!” said junior Harry Potter. Yeah, Harry Potter chills in Saybrook’s secret dining hall. Harry Fuckin’ Potter—the star of C Hoops Basketball, the pride of Albuquerque.

So the next time you head off to your college’s dining hall and can’t seem to find any Saybrugians willing to go with you, know that they are feasting on food more delicious than you can dream of. Take that, Morse and Stiles pizza!

—N. Sanghvi and S. Sukin