Newsroom
Scientists Develop Breakthrough AI, Turns Out to Be Major Fucking Asshole
CERN, SWITZERLAND — Scientists working at a quantum computing laboratory in Switzerland shocked the world earlier this week by announcing the development...
Report: Record Writer Available To Hang Out Whenever, Just Come On By
Multiple outlets reported this week that Yale Record Contributor Joe Wickline is a fun and down-to-earth guy who’s available to hang out...
I’ll Bet Those Protestors Drove To The Game, Reports Local Smartass
In a Facebook post Sunday sharing a link to ESPN’s coverage of the Harvard-Yale game, local smartass Dan Dyslin ingeniously commented “I’ll bet $20...
Peter Salovey Spotted Selling Chakra Crystals On Cross Campus
NEW HAVEN, CT—Last week, several students reported seeing Yale President Peter Salovey reclining in a lawn chair on Cross Campus next to a sign...
Facebook Post Resurrects Jesus
TOWNVILLE, MONTANA—When Krisha Silverson, 33, chimed in on Facebook with her opinion on gun redistribution, she had a hunch that her post would go...
Hong Kong Is An Inseparable Part Of China, Says Student Who Took Half A Semester Of Chinese
Amidst global news coverage of student-led demonstrations challenging China’s rule over Hong Kong, Corey Perkins ‘22 issued a proclamation Tuesday on his personal Twitter...
The Part Of The Mueller Report The Media Isn’t Reporting
This afternoon, the full redacted Mueller Report was revealed to the public. Most news outlets are missing this key paragraph:
—D. Hou & H. Rubin
President Salovey Asks Dean Chun What ER&M Stands For Again
NEW HAVEN, CT—After thirteen professors withdrew from the Ethnicity, Race, and Migration program on Friday, President Peter Salovey in an email expressed regret over...
Future Pulitzer-Winning Investigative Reporter Hits Stacy With “Who Do You Like?” During Truth or Dare
SALEM, CT – For most 11-year-old girls, sleepovers are an opportunity to bond with friends, watch movies, and chow down on some fun snacks....
Local Teen Detained By Homeland Security For Repeatedly Referring To Slumber Party As “Sleeper Cell”
SOUTH OTSELIC, NY—Hailing it as an “inspired example of multi-agency cooperation” and “tactful use” of breaching charges placed against the door of the Brown...
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