Newsroom
“I Just Want Both Of Them To Be Happy,” Says Torn Voter
SARASOTA, FL — In a stunning effort not to hurt anyone’s feelings, undecided voter Roy Kettleman announced Tuesday that he just wants...
Yale Student Hunger Strikes for No Particular Cause
NEW HAVEN, CT—In an inspiring display of solidarity with something or other, Yale student Greg Gronson ‘23 began a hunger strike protest...
Yale Dining Announces Beer Week
NEW HAVEN, CT — Following the cult-like success of Citrus Week and the outcry following the cancellation of Olive Oil week, Yale...
Harper B. Tragically Diagnosed with Cooties
This article originally appeared in the Just for Kids Issue, completed in March 2020.
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON—In what school nurse Amy...
Joe Biden Addresses the Pandemic: TRANSCRIPT
BIDEN: My fellow Americans, I’m—is this, is it going? Oh! Okay, well. Hello there, Facebook. Here’s the deal: today, we’re facing a...
“I Have Made A Mistake,” Says Man With House Full Of Toilets
SARASOTA, FL— “I have made a mistake,” Sarasota native Frank Clarkson said, as the realization sunk in that he should not have...
University Of Phoenix To Begin Offering In-Person Lectures
PHOENIX, AZ — In a statement Tuesday, University of Phoenix President Peter Cohen announced that the online institution will begin offering lectures...
With 62.5% of Precincts Reporting, Mayor Pete Buttigieg Announced As Spring Fling Headliner
NEW HAVEN- In a victory speech Wednesday, Mayor Pete Buttigieg announced to a surprised crowd that he had won the spot as...
Scientists Develop Breakthrough AI, Turns Out to Be Major Fucking Asshole
CERN, SWITZERLAND — Scientists working at a quantum computing laboratory in Switzerland shocked the world earlier this week by announcing the development...
I’ll Bet Those Protestors Drove To The Game, Reports Local Smartass
In a Facebook post Sunday sharing a link to ESPN’s coverage of the Harvard-Yale game, local smartass Dan Dyslin ingeniously commented “I’ll bet $20...
Prev