It may shock you, but I too was once socially inept. Waiters would tell me to enjoy my meal, and I would confidently reply, “you too.” I know how you first-years feel. But now, as a matured sophomore, I have insight, valuable insight. Here are four fascinating and foolproof conversation starters to finally form the lifelong friendships you’ve been dreaming of:
- Walk towards your target and collapse directly in their line of sight. If they don’t immediately help you, pretend to be unconscious and wait for mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. At this point, thank them and explain yourself by saying you suffer from orthostatic hypotension, or some other rare condition that will make you seem mysterious and different. You’ll be bombarded with plenty of follow-up questions, and you two will be best friends in no time.
- Approach your target and lick them. Introduce yourself. Make direct eye contact and start guessing their name. Follow up by predicting the date of their death. For extra credit, promise your new friend that you will make sure this prediction becomes fact. Nine times out of ten, this strategy will leave you with a temporary new best friend.
- Put on a fake mustache. Hospitalize your target and nurse them back to health while disguised as a barefaced doctor. Six months later, reveal that you were the assailant by sheathing your upper lip. You will be your target’s newest enemy, and they’ll want to keep you close.
- Run to your target, and ask them, “red pill, blue pill, blue pill, blue pill, red pill?” Regardless of their answer, shove a pill into their mouth, massage their gullet, and run.
– H. Murray-Nelson
