The baby formula shortage has exposed a critical American issue. Good times create weak men, let alone babies. Times might be tough, but babies have had it good for too long. If babies (like the majority of capable Americans) used their own mouth to chew, then things like “formula” or “milk” wouldn’t be necessary. The formula shortage is a symptom of a tale as old as time: baby is born, baby mooches off the generosity of a mother who’s been tricked into thinking the damn thing can’t fend for itself, and the mother succumbs to the infant’s calculated scheme. They know what they’re doing. Those are the babies who grow up into adults who depend on taxpayer dollars. The liberal agenda has convinced us that we must feed our children like they’re baby birds. Well, guess what — our infants aren’t birds, they’re Americans. It’s time they act like it.

Babies, pull yourselves up by your bootstraps and chew with your own mouth. Some people might point out that babies don’t usually have much in the way of teeth, usually considered a vital tool in the chewing process. Such excuses are the work of self-worshiping contrarians trying to stroke their own ego. Do you think cave babies had formula in the old times? No. Tooth substitutions are not difficult to come by. Go to your local farm, ask for their finest dried corn, and glue those little kernels onto your gums. America has the most corn, by the way. Find a toolbox, take out some short nails, flip ‘em over, and bada bing — you’ve got dentures that are more effective than the homegrown stuff. If you have some extra pills lying around, stick them onto your gums and grind them up against each other. They might erode a bit, but they’ll work well enough as long as they aren’t accidentally swallowed. All I’m saying is that there are options. 

And also, a message to all American women: please exercise the tenets of Republican Motherhood. (Not a mother yet? Grow up.) Teach your infants how to chew. Speak their language. Use “googoos” and “gaagaas.” They’ll know what you mean. And to help them practice, give them real chew toys, like a ball of rope or a bar of soap, not the weak and effeminate “pacifiers” propagated by the left.

It’s time to take action. Time to stop making things easy for free-riding babies who refuse to use the muscles endowed to them. You want formula, baby? I’ve got one for you: fend for yourself + stop being lazy = baby teeth. It’s time, infants: Ask not what your country can chew for you, ask what you can chew for your country. 

—L. Conklin