Point: Golly, I Just Won American Ninja Warrior!

This is the greatest dang day of my life. After years of hard training, I just won American Ninja Warrior!

It wasn’t easy. Besides the training, I had to make a video talking about my life story in front of a camera. Gosh, I sure was nervous. But they must have liked it, because they invited me to do some obstacle courses in Miami. There were some real tricky ones, but I got through it in the end.

After that, I traveled all the way to Las Vegas for the National Finals! That was the hardest obstacle course I’ve done yet. I almost fell into the water! Boy, was I worried. And the warped wall at the end almost got me too, despite all that practice. Good thing my grip didn’t fail me!

But in the end, it was all worth it. I’m finally an American Ninja Warrior! Heck yeah!

Counterpoint: I Could Kill You With a Throwing Star (Shuriken)

So, you think you know anything about Ninjutsu, the Way of the Ninja? Sure enough, you are an American, but you are no “Ninja Warrior!”

You know nothing, pretender!

I will tell you of the Way of the Ninja, but only enough to know exactly how doomed you would truly be if I wanted to kill you with a throwing star (shuriken)!

Rule One: Strike unseen and unheard, as the black moonless night.

What is that you hear? The crash of the tide? The rustling of grass in the wind? What is that you see? The twinkling of far off stars? The smoke of a distant village?

Fool!

The crash of the tide was my approach. The smoke of the village was my vaporous figure. The rustling of the grass and twinkling of the stars was the approach of my spinning blades of death, ten throwing stars (shurikens) all aimed with the accuracy of death itself!

Rule Two: One who dishes out pain and death must never fear either. Every ninja must be willing to dissect themself before permitting even the possibility of the failure of the mission.

I would die to defend the Way of the Ninja. Tell me this, “American Ninja Warrior.” Would you die to scale “Mount Midoriyama” in Las Vegas, Nevada?

No? Pathetic!

Rule Three: Strike without fear, without hesitation, without holding back. But never strike without a plan.

I have no fear! No hesitation! No reason to spare you!

Your throat is already acquainted all too well with the poisoned lies of your filthy culture. My plan: to acquaint your throat with twenty throwing stars (shurikens)!

Die, imposter!

—B. Hollander-Bodie