Researchers at Columbia University have spent months digitally reconstructing the windpipes of ancient mummies found in the Pyramids of Giza and using cutting-edge artificial intelligence technology to deduce the last words of the Pharaoh Khnum Khufu of the Old Kingdom. In addition to this analysis, archaeologists have been able to discover through the use of radiometric dating that Khufu died of a transient ischemic attack shortly after the unveiling of the pyramids.

    An illustrious translator was flown in from Egypt to interpret this ancient Egyptian dialect. Journalists from all across the world waited with bated breath to find out: what were the last words of this storied ruler?

    With much effort, the programmer switched a few things around. The machine whirred with the effort and then…voila. The mummy spoke (via translator via computer via 3D reconstruction):

    I said cube, you fucking idiots.

—O. Goldberg