1. “We take full responsibility for the impacts our company’s oil spills had on oceanic ecosystems. In the next fiscal year, we plan to implement our new environmental initiative by partnering with Scrub Daddy to create an oil absorbing sponge.” – Exxon Mobil
  2. “After twenty five years of trying, we have finally reached net zero emissions. Big thanks to the folks at Netflix and Prime Video for helping us make our dream a reality.” – BlockBuster
  3. “Our transportation costs are incredibly low. All of our water is locally sourced, if you are also from the French Alps.” – Evian
  4. “Every one of our warehouses is equipped with solar panels. They aren’t working, but they are there.” – Amazon
  5. “We have done our best to remedy the troubles caused by our alleged pollution of Lake Michigan, but like seriously, how were we supposed to know that people actually drank that water?” – Chicago Department of Water Management
  6. “In the wake of massive oil spills, we wanted to hit the problem head on immediately, so we replaced all of our plastic straws with recyclable paper straws!” – Exxon Mobil
  7. “No really, we love the environment. Our phones are made from recycled bricks.” – Nokia
  8. “We love giving back to the community AND the environment. That is why this year we are planting a single tree in front of our location in Boonton, New Jersey to counteract the pollution of our annual partners’ Gala.” – Walmart
  9. “Our ‘D’ rating in Greenpeace’s 2017 Guide to Greener Electronics Report stands for ‘Damn Good at Protecting the Environment’” – Samsung
  10. “Shit, I totally forgot about that oil spill. John, send someone down there with some dish soap.” – Exxon Mobil

—E. Thulin