In the wake of a set of landmark studies, Head of the National Academy of Sciences Maria McNutt reported this week that science has been wrong about everything this whole time. 

“You guys might want to sit down for this,” McNutt began her announcement. “I know that for the last thousand years or so the whole world was all about using ‘science’ to figure everything out, but we’ve just learned that this has been totally off all along. I know this is distressing, especially to those people who put up those signs that say ‘in this house we believe science is real’ and to those kids who use science as a stand-in for socializing, but the evidence is just too clear to ignore.”

Shockingly, the report implicated nearly every branch of the sciences, even including astronomy, geology, botany and the scientific method. Oddly enough, despite astronomy being discredited, astrology survived scrutiny and remains a legitimate branch of science. 

McNutt accepted her part of the blame, but also assigned some to the general population.

“Look I take some of the responsibility here no question, and not to play the blame game or anything but I think it’s at least a little ridiculous that no one else caught this before we did. Have you even read the laws of physics? ‘Every action has an equal opposite reaction.’ What? Why are we writing fundamental laws of nature from Hamilton lyrics? Lin Manuel-Miranda may be quite the performer, but I think it’s a bit of a stretch for him to be considered a “founding father” of physics.”

After an audience member chuckled at the wordplay, McNutt saw her chance to win the crowd back.

“You guys like that? Well, there’s plenty more where that came from,” she said. “So I’m walking down the street right, and some jackass catcalls at me saying ‘Hey, nice caboose,’ and I’m just like, ‘Take a picture it’ll last longer.’  Yeah, and what did they call the theater which plays Stephen King’s 2017 movie starring Jaeden Lieberher? The room where It happens. Yeah, okay, and I think it’s a bit of a stretch for him to be considered a ‘founding father’ of phy—oh, wait I already said that one. Yea that’s all I got. As you can tell we like to have fun here at the Academy,” she said.

Effective immediately, the National Academy of Sciences will be disbanded. All STEM programs will now be called TEM. 

McNutt concluded the interview by saying “up next is my dear friend Bill, who from now on will be known as Bill Nye the Guy, and he has a big apology for everyone.”

—A. Berke