We’ve all heard of the wheel. It got a lot of hype when it first dropped—really revolutionized Mesopotamian grain lugging. Look, I’m not here to invalidate that. I’m all for lugging grain. I’m a huge grain guy. But I do think that this loyalty, nay, cultish devotion to the wheel has stood in the way of innovation for far too long. There have been no breakthroughs in wheel design in over five thousand years. Do you think Steve Jobs would stand for that big of a gap between iPhone models? Of course not! Planned obsolescence would have sent that shit to the landfill years ago. That’s why I am here to announce the release of a brand new wheel—and this one’s even better.

The old wheel served its purpose well enough, but there were some glaring flaws that seriously detracted from user experience. For example, how often do you leave your bike, skateboard, or free standing wheel on an inclined slope for five minutes, only for it to be nowhere to be found upon your return? Too damn often I say. The flat sides of Wheel 2.0 ensure that this will never happen again. Once you plant one of its faces on the ground, it’s there to stay. 

Another issue marring the original wheel design was its lack of structural integrity. A little too much weight, and the old wheel buckles to the shape of a bean. The unbeatable design of Wheel 2.0 is based on the strongest shape known to man, making it practically immune to collapse. 

I am also conscious of staying on top of trends; anyone who’s anyone knows round is out. The Wheel 2.0 sports a chic modernist design, full of sharp corners and avant-garde angles, a radical exploration of lines and planes. While it is still in Beta, I am already working on developing “isosceles” and “scalene” updates, to be ready by next holiday season. 

—C. Rose