Growing up, John James Audubon had a strange interest in birds, which he described as “an intimacy…perhaps a frenzy [that] must accompany my steps through life.” Audobon traveled across the United States, finding and painting an upward of 700 birds. But forensic pathologist Tim Kosh’s shocking discovery during a post-mortem examination implies that Audubon had a penchant for more than just bird painting.
Kosh discovered that Audubon’s corpse had heavy concentrations of neurotoxic alkaloids in the cerebral area. Neurotoxic alkaloids are associated with the Red Warbler, an extremely beautiful but poisonous bird. For the alkaloids to enter his brain, he needed to have extremely close interactions with the bird, forcing Kosh and other leading scientists in the field to question his bird-related intentions.
We have reason to believe that wildlife enthusiast John James Audubon was actually a carnivorous, murderous, pollotarian who ate every single bird he illustrated. Kosh’s data also forces us to conclude that he likely involved himself in amorous congress with avians, the details of which are much too crude to describe in a respectable publication like this.
We have reached out to the Audubon Society for comment on the news that Audubon licked, chewed, and smacked his lips at 700 birds, but through cowardice or malevolence they have not responded. Their silence gives us reason to believe that the Audubon Society was actually founded as a facade for Audobon’s sinister behaviour. If he went to such lengths to eat birds like the Red Warbler, we can only imagine what he would do to more enticing birds like the toucan, the grebe, and the Raggiana bird-of-paradise.
National Geographic and the Audubon Society co-declared 2018 the Year of the Bird, but after much deliberation, we have decided that we no longer can support their savage habits and rapacious lies. We acknowledge the harm perpetrated by “scientists” upon the social and emotional development of innocent and unprotected birds who lived in fear of being John James Audubon’s next gluttonous afternoon snack, if not more.
National Geographic is proud to announce that 2018 will no longer be the Year of the Bird. Starting today, we are retroactively declaring it the Year of the Bird Too Movement.