This country is being overrun by rainbows. Not the kind of rainbow you see in the sky, which has a quiet beauty to it, but the kind that’s plastered on the discounted clothing at every department store. How am I supposed to go into a Claire’s to buy my son and I new accessories when the man behind the counter has PRIDE pins and long dangly earrings on? It makes me sick when I see all of these men’s perfectly toned, rippling abdominal muscles in crop tops.
Why is gay the new trend? Why is it not cool to be hetero, no mo? I miss seeing a man and a woman making out in the middle of the street as I drive my son to Little League practice. I miss seeing a man smack a woman’s ass in the workplace and say “looking good Susan.” Do you want a car that drives left, right, and every which way? Or do you want a car that drives straight and true no matter what the road throws at it? Hell, I know which one I’d choose.
That is all I want for my son and it’s what you should want for yours. He should be allowed to give his friends a hug, a sensual massage, or a quick peck on the forehead before they hit the volleyball court without people questioning his sexuality. That’s how things were in the good old days. That’s how the Topeka Tigers bumped, set, and spiked our way to victory in the spring of ’88.
The world wants to make your son gay, and it is your duty to fight back. Talk to your kids about the birds and the bees. Show them Disney movies from before 2014. Above all else, make sure they never watch that “Call Me By Your Name” music video, especially the really awful scene where Lil Nas X gives Satan a lap dance (time stamp 2:31). When I die, I’ll be up there in God’s warm, intimate embrace with my face nuzzled into his silvery beard, unlike Mr. Nas X. That’s because I lived my life on the right path, the straight one.