NEW HAVEN, CT—In what some are calling “the most significant British-American conflict in history,” first-year Kevin Bruce ’25 was shocked to discover Tuesday that roommate Ned Sharp ’25 had been pretending to be British since move-in.

“I can’t believe it,” said Bruce, “I spent hours a week looking up British slang online just to get through a conversation with him.” Pulling up his search history, Bruce recounted his poor attempts to translate colloquialisms such as “peng ting,” “detty tune” and “rah, where’s my baccy?” 

“I’ve never doubted myself so much,” Bruce lamented, “I’m literally an English major.”

The truth emerged when Sharp’s parents arrived for Family Weekend. 

“I studied for the interaction for days, poring over a notes document detailing UK geography, cultural landmarks, and the names of all past winners of Love Island,” Bruce explained. “You can imagine my surprise when they pulled up to Phelps Gate in a pickup truck and neither of them were wearing those fancy hats you always see at Wimbledon.”

When asked to comment on the controversy, Sharp told The Record: “I never even said I was British, I just told him I was on the crew team and then he wouldn’t stop asking me if I’d ever met the Queen.” 

Sharp’s parents were unable to weigh in on the scandal, having already returned home to London, Ohio.

D. Alberts

SIMILAR ARTICLES