My wife Denise and I live on a beautiful seaside property in Malibu, CA. Twice a week, I go golfing at the Club, and a young man named Hernán comes to clean our pool. Hernán is very handsome, but I trust my wife completely to stay faithful while I’m away. Not convinced? Here’s why:

  1. I Love Her And She Loves Me: My wife grows more beautiful every day, like a fine wine, or a painting, or a perfect goddess whom I love unconditionally. And she loves me too! She loves the little jokes I make at dinner parties, the way my polo shirts accentuate my modest biceps, and the thoughtful Christmas gifts that I buy for her months in advance. Sure, when Hernán takes his shirt off on a hot day his rippling back muscles glisten with sweat, but my golf stroke still drives Denise mad with lust. We’ve been going steady for twenty-two years now, and the spark is still burning bright.
  2. She Trusts Me Around My Secretary: My secretary at the office, Celeste, is a fine young woman. We’ve been on many business trips together, just the two of us, but never once has there been any impropriety. We always sleep in separate rooms, and communicate in a friendly but professional manner. Denise has met her a handful of times, and even though Celeste is quite the looker she trusts me completely. She knows that I would never cheat, so it’s only fair that I extend her the same courtesy. If I can control myself around Celeste, then surely Denise can control herself around Hernán.
  3. Hernán Doesn’t Like Older Women: I’m a friendly guy, and I like to make small talk with the people who help out around our house. Sometimes I’ll say “How’s it going, boss?” or “gonna be a hot one” to the gardener. At our holiday party last Christmas, I nudged Hernán and gestured towards the love of my life. “Denise is looking quite beautiful tonight, eh Hernán?” He laughed nervously and responded, “Yes sir, she is.” If Hernán liked older women, he would probably have said something like “Wowie Kazowie” or “Total smokeshow, sir!” My wife is beautiful, but she’s just not Hernán’s type. 
  4. My Wife Is Very Fertile, And We Don’t Want Kids: Denise and I agreed that we didn’t want kids more than a decade ago. We’re enough for each other, and having a kid in the house would put unnecessary strain on our relationship. I got a vasectomy in 2011, but my wife is still incredibly fertile. Her OB/GYN said he had never seen so many eggs! A dalliance with a strong young man like Hernán would almost certainly lead to a child, and my wife knows as well as I do that this would be a disaster.
  5. She Wouldn’t Do That To Me: Sometimes it’s just that simple.

—J. Wickline