Since the dawn of time, the traditional family structure has been the cornerstone of human greatness. Sure, there have been the occasional quirky offshoots, but for the most part, we all know what a good American family looks like. Recently, though, the delusional libs have declared war on the family, claiming that two women or even a single man can raise a child. But we all know that there are only a few tried-and-true familial structures that work: it’s time we return to our roots.

Let’s start with the absolute original: two kids raised by one she-wolf in the wilderness. If it worked for Romulus, it can work for anyone. How else are your kids supposed to grow up to build one of the greatest empires of all time? To say that Cheryl and Jo from the neighborhood can provide the powerful mentorship of a she-wolf is just absurd. Kids these days are soft, and that’s thanks to the libs.

If a she-wolf is hard to come by, then look no further than 19th century England.  The Victorian family is easy to replicate—just abandon your child, and hope that they hit the orphanage jackpot. Look at Oliver Twist. Orphanages hit the child-rearing trifecta: they develop a happy-go-lucky attitude in children, give them that tender, loving care, and build a community that lasts a lifetime. 

If you’re afraid of orphanages, I get it. Some of them don’t even feature corporal punishment anymore. The great American South is a paragon of efficient familial composition: some call it a “Normal Family,” but I believe the colloquial name is the “Mommy and Daddy have the same mommy” method. Keep your family truly tight-knit. If you’re truly destined for greatness, don’t let some foolhardy outsiders pollute your bloodline. 

So enough of this gay-partners-single-mom-husband-and-wife nonsense. It’s like my mother’s famous stew: if you don’t stir in the bones of recently-slain prey with your powerful snout, it doesn’t taste quite as delicious. Don’t mess with the recipe, libs. The cold, hard, logic of traditionalism wins again

A. Cramer